Just a few days after last year’s photo shoot for our annual farcical Christmas card, the family reconvened in the living room to discuss XmasCard-25.

I was getting back in the routine of dressing as a man and walking upright – at least in public – after twice donning a colorful mermaid tail and seashell bra for previous year’s cards. Three more years of my strict no-exercise/mo’ beer regiment and those scallop C-cups are headed for my daily wardrobe.

We knocked around a few ideas before older daughter Geni, 22, blurted out, “The Addams Family. How about we dress as the Addams Family?!”

The suggestion resonated with us four Whipples who clearly have no shame (See also: Redneck Christmas; Idiot Elves Christmas; Wizard of Oz Christmas and a dozen others).

The original ABC gothic sitcom aired 64 episodes between 1964 and 1966. Characters included Lurch the butler; parents Morticia and Gomez; children Wednesday and her older, plumper brother Pugsley; Uncle Fester; long-haired Cousin Itt and Grandmama.

I have the build of Lurch minus his charm, the scalp of Uncle Fester and the clueless optimism of Gomez who also had a lovely wife with long black hair. Since I had accompanied younger daughter Emerita, 10, at Halloween as Uncle Fester, I’d be Gomez for the Christmas card and save the Lurch persona for karaoke night.

Our rule all these years is to spend little money on costumes and props. However, the reality is our themes would be incomplete without a little help from inexpensive purchases.

Both Emerita and my wife Jen have bountiful hair. But to look more like those beloved weirdos from the 1960s meant purchasing a Cousin Itt big-wig and a black Morticia-grade mane.

In the show, Cousin Itt stood about 3 feet tall and wore glasses (?) and a black derby hat atop a bale of dangling hair. Since we are full out of derby hats, Jen formed a hat out of newspaper and masking tape and spray-painted it black. Cousin Itt’s wig is size Rapunzel, but one day we will need a hula skirt and this lengthy hairpiece will work wonders.

“Morticia wore a plunging neckline dress,” said Jen frowning. “Maybe I should wear something more conserve …”

“You won’t change,” I interrupted. “The cleavage gods expect authenticity and by God, they’ll get it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a pimp’s clothing.” Which I did.

Several days earlier I went to Facebook’s Marketplace in search of a striped blazer that Gomez wore. A woman in the next town was advertising fancy 4-piece suits and equally impressive shoes. I scoured my existing two sport jackets for a size tag but found none. I had an inkling I wore a 42 Long – same as the 4-piece suit in the photo.

When I arrived at their home, I was met by a retired man named Ken who had outbid others to land a storage unit being auctioned off due to non-payment.
I glanced around the garage at the rack of fancy suits, alligator shoes, leather and fur jackets, and derby-style men’s hats.

“Umm, what would you call this style of clothing?” I inquired.

“Upscale urban.” Awkward pause. “Pimp clothing. I think I bought a pimp’s storage unit.”

While I don’t approve of a pimp’s career choice, I do find their fashion sense just outlandish enough to hold my attention. I’ve often wondered how I’d look as a white Huggy Bear.

“I’ll take it! And those unworn Fubo sneakers!”

For $30, I had me a striped vest, slacks and jacket from the Steve Harvey collection, a burgundy shirt and a matching paisley tie and handkerchief sprouting from the lapel pocket. And some urban sneakers guaranteed to improve my basketball game.

For the photo I’d swap out the burgundy shirt for a white one, plus a black tie – if I had a black tie. Turns out the local Goodwill sold me a solid blue tie for 25 cents, and I used the same black spray paint to make it a hue Gomez would approve of.

Chief makeup artist Emerita took her darkening brush to my eyebrows and my Eastern Speckled Caterpillar of a moustache.

Now we had a big hurdle in front of us. We three were here and Geni was away at college, her long-term boyfriend Shawn nearby. College students with difficult majors, a job and two kittens could really use a clock with more hours. So do chefs like Shawn.

The plan was for Geni and Shawn to track down or create Wednesday and Pugsley outfits. But with no time left on the clock, each of them took selfies, which Shawn cut and pasted into the images of the Addams kids. Geni texted the photos to me and our wizard graphic artist Scott placed them next to the photo we e-mailed of Cousin Itt, Morticia and Pimp Daddy.

It’s not ideal, but we have a little time to tweak before we send out the cards.

Strange. Deranged. The Whipple Family.