Happy New Year and let’s hope this is the best year ever for us. Or at the very least, better than the Wrecked Knee New Years of 1981 when my aunt’s horse Coquette celebrated Christmas by delivering me into a sizable tree via dead run; I developed a long-term relationship with crutches.

This, of course, has nothing to do with today’s story but it serves a reminder not to gallop between oak trees on a horse distracted with Christmas joy.

Each January in this space, I provide an account of what went into the latest Whipple Family Christmas photo mailed to family and friends whether they want one or not. We’ve mailed them each December these past 14 years or so, but unlike most flattering family photos, ours range from embarrassing to ridiculous, hopefully with a side of humorous. 

This year’s fishing theme landed after our first two choices didn’t. Sometime last summer, we chose to make this year’s card a sort-of mirror image of the other Clan Whipple. I was scheduled to be my brother Bruce. My wife Jen was set to be Bruce’s wife Anne, even ensuring we owned the accurate pan and spatula that yield Anne’s other-worldly lasagna. Our daughter Emerita was researching how to become her cousin Alicia, while older daughter Geni prepped to transform into her cousin Justin, vocalist for the rock group Blood Tithe.

I ran our Christmas card plans past our neighbor Dave. 

“And you informed your brother about all this?” he asked curiously.

“Well, not exactly. But I’m sure they’ll all love it.”

He didn’t look convinced. I had forgotten that not all roasts are received with the adoring intent they were intended. Just ask Chevy Chase.

So we, the imposter Whipples, held a family meeting and decided we would choose a different theme and let the non-crazed Whipples enjoy their peace.

One day I looked out at our boat and thought, “Come November, that Chaparral would make a decent pirate ship. God knows it makes a lousy every-other-type-of-boat.”

November came, and so did daughter Geni and her boyfriend Shawn for a 3-day visit. Meanwhile, the photo shoot day snuck up on us and we hadn’t purchased the small inventory of pirate props permissible under our low-cost photo shoot policy implemented in 2010.

So our pirate plan walked the plank. Though it may very well rise again like a soggy phoenix.

We sat on the deck and knocked around family photo ideas that could be implemented on short notice. 

Last year’s family Christmas theme included me wearing a long blonde wig and rainbow-colored mermaid costume complete with brassiere. Sure, I could have crammed the costume into a Hefty bag and tucked it into a corner of the attic to be worn on random occasions. But that’s just crazy talk. A short chat with Jen, the head of our wardrobe department, yielded one rainbow tail suitable for a 6-foot-3-inch male with irregular knees. 

I think Bruce Jenner’s change began as an athletic mermaid.

I gazed out at the dock.

“What about a fishing theme?” I mused. “We have rods, reels, tackle, hats … just no fish. I can’t catch fish with a drag net in an aquarium. But we have a sort-of fish costume — and a net. God knows why.”

The other members of the family chimed in with their thoughts and agreed that we could get the shot within an hour. For the second straight year, Shawn the Chef volunteered for this bombastic assignment. And for the second straight year, the family unanimously approved Shawn’s request as the only available photographer willing to laugh at and with us intermittently.

I gathered up rods and reels and tackle box-of-despair, swiped the cobwebs off the net and laid them on the dock while the girls scampered around the house in search of anglers’ apparel and accessories.

They donned hats and sunglasses and met me on the dock. Getting into the long colorful fish tail was a disturbing affair. Again. There’s a good reason you rarely spot mermaids or fish reclining on docks: the wriggling and flopping are almost too much to bear. 

It’s even worse for my body-by-Modelo. But by the grace of Poseidon, at 3:15pm on Nov. 25 we were ready for goofy family Christmas photo #14, right there on our undecorated dock — the only structure capable of supporting a netted 203-pound Whipfish.

Working against a setting sun, Shawn snapped a handful of photos sufficiently blasphemous to create another Christmas card. From there our graphics wizard Scott worked his Photoshop magic, adding Christmas bling and the text. I’m the one wearing a net and fish lure. 

Here’s to a happy, healthy 2025!